Kingdom ComeSo this week in making BETTER HALF, we ran into several brick walls. Pretty solid walls that I have yet to negotiate over or around, bringing future production to a complete stand still. A production as tiny and tenuous as our is literally a house of cards. a strong tremor. A medium breeze. A willful pluck could all bring our house tumbling down.

I spent the better part of last week shaking my head on a tirade about why seemingly good-willed people, sensible people – simply do not do what they say they will. Feeling frustrated and alone and defeated. Ready to kick the next person who said “you can do it, dont give up.” square in the chin. The rough patches in making this film have become wilder and bigger. And I’m exhausted.

Then today, reaching out to a friend while trying to putting out one of those fires, he gave me a gem. He mentioned this film that depicted just how f*cking hard it is to do what I’ve set out to do. A director who actually broke down on camera. “That’s sounds about right.” I thought. So I looked it up and watched the trailer, then gave myself an early birthday gift and paid for the download of Kingdom Come.

This is gonna sound wrong, but it was really gratifying to see how many white guys find themselves in the same boat as me. I was less gratified by the lack of women filmmakers, like we aren’t trying. Or maybe most women are less willing to share such a demoralizing experience. But I digress.

Kingdom Come is a documentary about an actor turned writer/director and his impossible mission to making his first feature film.

God did I relate to every moment! Well, not every moment, the whole meetings with financiers bit was a thorn in my throat. I never knew where to look for financiers which is why we are shooting bit by bit. But the rest, the disappointment, the meltdowns, the people going MIA, the insistance that any film needs “A-B List” actors. It was miraculous to know that there are folks who actually do know how I feel. Who know how f*cking impossible it is to make a movie, no matter how good the script is or how “connected” you might be in the industry.

And there’s Seth Green on the screen pointing at me, “Don’t quit!” (hangs head with a sigh) Next time I see that Seth guy, POW! right on the chin!

Kingdom Come was the best $5 I’ve spend on myself in years. It fed my soul in a way that I didn’t know what possible, as I continue headlong with the business of making a no budget film, and dealing with all the tribulation that comes with being the one with the story to tell, the one with the vision. I’m watching this movie again right now. It makes me feel empowered. Someone else really gets it!

But I’m not that kind of girl that can go through this anguish over and over again. This is not an addiction for me. After the story of Tony & Leo, I’m never doing this sh*t again! (says the girl who is on her second no budget feature)

Now, back to these brick walls…